Copstuck
by Ms. May
Summary: Terezi and Dave are new cops in the Skaia police department. See how they face down mobsters, drug cartells, serial killers, and the fact that it seems someone out there is looking to put a stop to them. Terezi  Dave but i ship each of them with others
1. The orientation

Copstuck : : The orientation

That's right motherfuckers I did it. AU they all humans.

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><p>"Aw hell no" This has got to be the worst idea your police chief has ever come up with. The fucking prick has got to be pulling your leg.<p>

"What did I say about using such language in my presence, and you really don't have a choice. This is my decision and you will abide by it, or so help me I will have your badge." He looks at you through his jacked up shades. This guy had been through some serious shit during his days as a field officer. Most of it could have been avoided if he didn't play so clean, but there's never been an out of the book incident. You've got to say though, with him as the head, the police SPD never looked so clean in the eyes of the media. He's always so proper with his slicked back black hair, and blue suit and tie. If only his teeth weren't broken (and he smiled) then he would be the winning picture of a nice (very strong) guy.

"Don't be so grumpy! Orientation is fun! I remember when I did it!" Chief Zacara's secretary chimes in. Nepeta's dressed in a silly blue beanie on top of her short, curly hair, and a green dress with a tan paw print pattern. She's wearing knee high socks the same color and blue shoes to match the beanie. She looks like a little girl, and you have a hard time believing that she actually graduated high school and is now working on a degree in library science. Of course she hates the night classes and the degree, but the chief insisted on her going to college so she did it. If they weren't so close in age you'd think he was Nepeta's father.

"You don't count, that wa2 a2ii2tant orientation, back when the poliice department wa2 full. We've lo2t 2o many new recruiit2 with tho2e fuckiing -"

"Language ." He gives you a stern look and you're reminded to keep yourself in check until you leave his office.

"Gang2ter2. Now there'll be 2o many freakiing noob2 II don't think II'll have any 2aniity left over." You adjust your bifocals on your nose and hope that your boss will let you slip out of it. He usually takes pity on you when you use the insanity excuse because of your minor bipolar disorder.

"I told you, you're the most experienced on the force, so it's up to you to show them the ropes." The chief gives you a rare smile, and it creeps you out way more than when he scowls "I believe in you, now go show these kids how we do it in the Skaia Police Department." You resist the urge to face palm.

Why would they choose the guy with the debilitating speech impediment to give a lecture to thirty new recruits? Now not all of them will continue on and work for SPD, this is a state wide orientation. Your department will end up with two or three, while the rest get sent off to PPD, DPD, APD, EPD and whatever other god dammed PDs there are in this state. You just hope to gog that they'll keep quiet long enough for you to get through the lecture.

Several rows of folded chair are placed before a projector and a pull down screen. The new kids begin to file through the room and your carefully scrutinize each and every one of them. As they file into the room in groups or by themselves you have come to a completely reasonable conclusion.

Jegus you hate these kids. You've taken a single look at them, and you hate them. You're not much older than most of them, in fact you're probably only one or two years older. The difference is that you skipped most of middle school and all of high school and jumped straight into police training as an analyst and then worked your way up towards detective in no time. But you feel so much older than them, and they all act like they're twelve. So far your least favorite are the two tools in shades. What kind of douche bags wear shades inside? You run your fingers through your blond hair. You flip on the projector and the "Police orientation" slide appears on the screen. Well it's now or never.

"Alright 2ut up and pay attentiion. Orientation begiin2 now." Several of the audience members laughed, the tool in the red shades laughed particularly loud. You don't know if that term can even be applied to women, but your premature judgment says that she is a tool so you roll with it. "Hey, you think thi2 i2 funny fucka22? II am your 2uperiior and II wiill make your liife hell iif you 2o much as pii2 me off. Now take off your god dammed 2ade2 and 2top 2tariing off iinto 2pace. Keep your eye2 fiixed to the god damned 2screen." She stops laughing and makes a face like she's about to cry.

"Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?" The other shaded douche pats her on the shoulder. And she sniffs a few times. You're utterly bewildered by that response.

"Um, II. . ." Is your super intelligent response. She buries he face in her hands and the boy faces you.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. How can you say things like that to a blind person? It's not even ironic." He shakes his head.

"Bliind per2on . . ?" Oh gog, sobbing blind girls was not in your briefing.

"Haven't you ever seen a blind person before?" He picks up a cane off of the floor in front of the girl and waves it around.

"I'm 2o 2ory." The girl instantly sits up takes the cane from the boy. She leans back and snickers, exposing a set of bright white pointed teeth. With a single flip of her hand her hair is magically replaced to how it had been before.

"Well you should be, I could sue you for such flagrant disregard for my special needs you know. That wouldn't look good at all, especially coming from a cop." Her smile widened. All of the kids around burst into a fit of laughter, except for the kid next to her. The corner of his mouth twitched up just slightly, which, you had to admit, made him look pretty cool.

"Damn you giirl, take tho2e gla2e2 off now or II wiill 2eriouthly kick your a22." She smiled and shrugged, removing her pointed red shades. Her eyes were a solid wall of blood red and the other kids gasped. That was far more disturbing than the shades were. "Never miind, put them back on. Jegu2, II thought you were ju2t jokiing about beiing bliind." She made a serious face.

"I never joke." The other kid nodded gravely, and you fixed your annoyance on him.

"Well what'2 your excu2e? II'm a22uming you're fuckiing bliind a2 well?"

"I'm so motherfucking chill these sick shades froze to my face. I physically can't remove them without shattering this cool." He gestured to himself, and the girl snickered.

"Yeah II don't giive a 2hit, take them off." You roll your eyes at them.

"I guess you don't get it. Cool guys don't remove their shades, ever, and I am a cool guy. Therefore I cannot remove my shades, ever. That's just how the life rolls. I didn't choose to be this cool you know, it's something you're born with. It's a curse that leaves me to constantly drown in the unironic false bravado of others. " He twirls his hand in a bored dismissive fashion which manages to succeed in dismissing your hopes to make these two an example for the rest of your class.

"Fiine, but iif anyone el2e wear2 2ade2 I wiill kiick theiir a22 2o hard II wiill have to are2t myself." The shaded girl snickers loudly and the rest of the kids laugh quietly while the cool kid kicks his feet up and puts them on the back of the chair in front of him. This is going to be a very long orientation.

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><p>So yeah, Sollux is the only one who talks with his quirk because the lisp was too hard to read. It was a lot of work though, so I think I'll go back to typing in the lisp, he doesn't have very many lines after this point. Well he does, but i'll try to find a way of writing it so that he doesn't have lots of s's in his speach.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Before we begin I would like to say that I have no freaking idea how the whole recruitment process works or how cops do training. This is basically just a modified version of what I saw on Psyc. Which reminds me, I always forget to do a disclaimer. So here is my disclaimer: I don't own jack shit when it comes it homestuck or Psyc. I don't particularly care about my stories as long as you don't just copy and paste the entire thing into a separate document and then tell everyone it's yours. Feel free to spin off any bits you like.

Chapter 2: The rookies

When you met him for the first time there was an instant connection. It was like finding your long lost twin brother, only less touchy and heartfelt and more ironic and hilarious. Once the two of you met you were inseparable. Then when you found out that both of you were going to the same police department to work, it almost seemed too good to be true.

"Now thplit up into groupth and find your rethpective officer. I'm ETHPD, the white guy other there ith PPD, the black guy ith DPD, the guy in all black with the orange hat ith APD, and the dope in farthetht back ith EPD. You can find the retht of the officerth on our own, now go." With a wave of his hand the new recruits stood up and began to bumble around. The messy sound of chair scrapes and footsteps permeated your mind and allowed you to easily pick out which kids were going where. Just by their smell you could tell who was PPD and who was DPD. PPD all smelled like vanilla and fresh snow, while the DPD were solid black licorice. The others were a bit more difficult thought not entirely too hard. You recognize the APD because you grew up in that city. Their solid black uniforms and hair were something you recognized easily. The EPD was evident by its blue berry uniforms, freshly starched.

Dave elbow's you in the side "Stop sniffing at everyone we have to meet our new officers." You can't help but smile and follow his cherry cola sent towards your mustardy new mentor. The both of your stop before him, Dave shoves his hands into his pockets and slouches in a manner most cool. A wide smile cracks on your lips as you know the guy with the lisp is going to explode.

"What the hell are the two of you doing? Go find your damn officer." If it was possible, your smile got a lot bigger.

"You are our officer sir." You say sir with a smidgen of sarcasm.

"Are you thiting me?" A little cackle escapes your lips.

"No sir, you are our commanding officer."

"The big cohuna." Dave says and you swear you can hear the smile in his voice.

"The head honcho."

"Chief over all." There were heavy feet behind you and the overwhelming sent of blue Gatorade.

"Actually, I am the chief." A deep and strong voice spoke. You twirled around in your spot to face the Chief. "Welcome, I assume that you're our new recruits."

"They're noobth allright." The officer said. You did a quick flick of your cane behind you and hit him square in the shin. He grunts some, but he doesn't make a scene. Dave taps you twice on the arm lightly, the signal for a fist bump. Gladly you oblige.

"Alright then," You can hear the confusion in the chief's voice. "Well, the two of you will accompany officer Sollux on his investigation." Sollux made a strangled noise behind you.

"They're not going to follow me around are they?" There was a hint of panic in his voice.

"Of course not, but you will have to drive them places. I'm not going to assign them their own police car till after they complete their first case." From what you've gathered from this exchange, you finally get to see some real action and then you're going to be rewarded for said action with a kick ass police car. This you like.

"Hell yeah, sounds cool to me. What's this case you're on?" Dave seems to agree on this idea.

"I don't know. I jutht finithed my last one."

"That's right; I have a new case for you. It's a bit, untidy. There're rumors of a drug ring in the city working in close quarters with the local mafia groups. I need you to find out if this is good lintel by first identifying the ringleaders in the ring and then finding any connection to known local mafia groups. Don't do anything rash and get these two killed." You smile to yourself, and you know that next to you Dave must be smiling too.

"Fine. Alright you two, you're coming with me. We head out immediately."

"Wait, don't we get our badges first?" You pout. There is absolutely no point whatsoever in running around town if you can't flash your super cool, shiny badge in people's faces if they don't do what you say.

"I forgot about that. Nina!" The chief calls out into the crowd and almost immediately you hear a set of light feet pattering toward you through the crowd. She smells like sour apples and blue berries.

"Finally! I was waiting over there for forever! I'm Nina, the chief's secretary, but I'm purrty much here fur everyone. Whatever you need, just say the word. Here are your badges." She hands you a smooth and cool piece of metal. It smells like metal and tastes like it too, but it was a much more lemony taste than steel. The indents in the shape of a star make you quite happy.

"Alright, let's go kick some druggy ass." Dave slips the badge on over his head, and you prefer to have it hanging from your pocket. "Where're the keys Sollux?"

"Fuck you, I'm driving."

Right I'll probably never finish this story. Sorry. Oh well, it was a fun idea while it lasted.


End file.
